SEPTEMBER 11, 2011 - JUST LOVE THEM

One night, many years ago, I was awake in the middle of the night and I was crying. One of my children was going through a very hard time at school. I watched them deal with pain and hurt and I wanted so badly to help. I wanted to make the hurt go away. I wanted to make it all better. Isn't that what mom's are supposed to do? Yet I could not see any thing I could do. I felt helpless. I felt hopeless. And so I was crying because I could hardly stand the hurt that I was feeling for that child. The pain of parenting is real and it has nothing to do with having a baby. The kind of intense love you feel for your child can, and will, sometimes lead to the most intense pain you will ever know. The saying goes that a mother is only as happy as her most unhappy child has a lot of truth in it. If you haven't already experienced this, you will. As your children grow and leave the safety of your home, as they go out into the cold cruel world at such young ages, you feel it more and more because you are not in control of their lives from sun-up to sun-down. You may want to lash out at the world, the teacher, the other children, the situation, or whatever seems to be the cause of the pain. But this very rarely helps, and often will make things worse. You will sometimes want to gather those children around you and turn your back on the world - keep them away from the world and the hurt it seems to cause. But, that is not possible. Children must grow up. And so they, and you through them, will experience those hard growing up times. On that night many years ago I desperately sought the Lord's help and I sought His peace. I pleaded with Him to know what to do to help this child. I received an answer. It was very clear and very simple and not at all what I expected. The Lord simply said to LOVE THE CHILD. Make absolutely certain that they know they are loved at home, accepted at home, secure at home. Who they are, just as they are, is a good acceptable person to be. Make home a safe place - safe from hurt, safe from teasing, safe from fighting, safe from comparing, safe from belittling, safe from fear, safe. Yes, the child will still face hurt and pain in the world, but they will always have a safe pain-free place to come back to - a place where they are accepted and loved. It hurts me terribly now to know that many children in this painful hurt-filled world do not have a safe place to retreat to. Their homes are as full of pain as the world is. What a terrible thing to have no place to go. Make sure your children have that safe place - make sure your home is that kind of refuge from the world.

JULY 24, 2011 - HIS PLAN

Okay, I'm branching out a bit. This isn't exactly a parenting point, it is more a living point. You must all understand and accept this, and then teach it to your children and hopefully your children will also learn to understand and accept it. I have come to realize that ALL things are done according to the Word of God - or according to His plan. 1 Nephi 17:31 "...according to his word he did destroy them; and according to his word he did lead them; and according to his word he did do all things for them; and there was not ANY THING DONE save it were by his word." In the end, all things are done by His word. I think this means by His power and according to His plan. He (the Lord) says it will be done and it is done - from something as large as the creation to something as seemingly insignificant as my life. And the amazing thing is, His plan is to "bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man" (Moses 1:39) So, if my reasoning is correct, if we just follow His plan and let things unfold as He wills, it will lead us to immortality and eternal life. So why in the world do we fight it so much? Why do we, in our great mortal wisdom, think we know what's best for us? Why do we persist in insisting that we know ourselves better than the lord knows us; that we know what we need to progress better than the Lord does? Why do we stubbornly think that disobediece is in some way showing our independence? "I can think for myself. I can do what I want". Is that really a good reason for disobedience? Rather, disobedience shows our ignorance and stubborness - disobedience is childish and selfcentered. The very things we are trying to teach our children not to be. Do we really ever grow up in this world? Sometimes I wonder. So it boils down to this: I can either have faith that the Lord's plan REALLY is to bring me to immortality and eternal life and that He only wants what is best for me and then get in line and follow His will (choose to be obedient) or I can refuse to believe He wants only what is best for me and choose to follow my own plan (and it would be the height of arrogance to believe that my plan would ever take me anywhere close to eternal life or happiness). Kids, please, I beg you to put your faith in the Lord's plan. Bend your will to His - no relinquish your will to His. I know how hard that is to do - our Pride gets in the way constantly - but it is the only way to happiness and peace. The only way you will ever reach your astoundingly great potential.
I know this is long, but I need to add this side note. Sometimes our pride tells us that we are specail and need special consideration. Well, we are special, but no we don't need special consideration - the Lord designed the commandments for everyone and any individual tuning will be minor and, through personal revelation, we will be lead accordingly. EVERYONE is commanded to go to church, live the word of wisdom, etc. etc. but when it comes to that commandment which is harder or hardest for us to obey, we expect the Lord to make an exception for us, or change it just a little for us. When I was young I didn't want to accept that my role was to be "only a mother and wife". It seemed degrading. I wanted "more". I wanted to change the world, be a driving force for good or some such thing - I think my pride craved the accolades of man. I could not see that when the Lord said "Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children" he was telling me that is where I would find my greatest happiness. That commandment was for me, but my pride made it hard to accept. I have been shown the error of my own judgement. There is NOTHING in this life that could have brought me more joy or fulfillment than having and raising children. I know that now, but I could not see it then. At that time I thought being different, being exceptional, was what would bring me happiness. I have other commandments that are hard for me to obey and sometimes I want to think that maybe I am an exception - that surely the Lord understands why I can't totally obey that commandment or that I have extra needs that He hasn't taken into consideration. Oh fool that I am. When will I learn? The Lord wants the immortality and eternal life of all His children, and has designed the commandments to that end. You and I are included in that group - the commandments are for me and you - ALL of them, just as they are. Put your faith in the Lord and His plan. He knows you so much better than you know yourself. If you can't accept that, you will never be motivated enough to be totally obedient, and you will never reach your potential or have complete joy.

MARCH 13, 2011 - INTENTIONAL CHOICES

I was able to attend a regional Relief Society gathering where Sister Beck opened the scriptures to us for 2 hours. She simply asked for questions and then answered them from the scriptures. It was a phenomenal experience. I want to pass on one of the things I learned at that meeting. Sister Beck asked women to "be very intentioanl about what is allowed into your home." One of the primary roles of women in the Lord's plan is to make homes that are secure havens. The Lord needs the sisters to "shut out, protect, put up walls", do everything they can to protect their homes and families from the onslot of the world. She went on to stress how the world (Satan) is aiming straight at women. "Look in the stores, the magazines, the clothes. We must be very intentional in our choices." And then she made this very interesting comment, "Sisters, don't BE the pornography in your homes." She was speaking to us women, but let me enlarge this to include the men, our wonderful husbands who we truly love. You are the leadership in our homes. We may occasionally wish otherwise, but however hard we try to set an atmosphere in the home, or put up those walls of protection, if you will not or do not help maintain those walls they WILL NOT STAND. In your example alone you can undo everything we strive to achieve. And even more scary, if, by your choices, you bring the enemy right into our living rooms, how then can your wife maintain that safe haven? Yes, it is the role of women to try to make a home that is a spiritural island from the world, but it is the role of men to provide the means and support for her to do so.

FEB. 7, 2011 - WHAT DO YOUR CHILDREN KNOW?

At our Stake Conference and the last few Sunday meetings, we have been bombarded with encouragement to teach and train our children (and grandchildren). If you were to see my notes from the past few Sundays it seems that is about the only topic. Elder R.M.Nelson asked, "If all your children knew about the Gsopel was what you had taught them, what would they know?" I'm mightly glad that many others taught my children because I fear they would not know much if it was just from me. And yet, can we assume that others will teach them and teach them what we want them to learn? Please don't assume your children will just pick things up at church or from your example. You need to TEACH it. Tell them your beliefs, your moral guidelines, your testimony. At a crucial time in a child's or youth's life that testimony may make all the difference in an important choice. We only have once - one time to raise our children. Teach them while they are small. A young child is much more receptive and will accept council from parents much more readily. Don't wait to teach, thinking that it will get easier when they are older - that is simply NOT the case. If you think it is hard to get a 2 or 4 year old to pray or have FHE or read scriptures with you, I promise you that it won't get any easier when they are 6, 10 or 12 - in fact it will get harder, much harder, if you have not already established the habits. Of course you won't be able to teach them everything, but just keep trying. Elder Nelson also said, "The time will surely come when they may not know everything, but they will know enough to make a correct choice at a crucial time." Pray for guidance. In this most important work, the Lord will let you know what you need to teach and how to do it. Just don't give up!

Nov. 17,2010 - NEVER SAY "N0" IF YOU CAN POSSIBLY SAY "YES"

Leslie is preparing a Sacrament Meeting talk and called and asked me about this thought which she has heard me say before. "In raising children, my mother taught me to never say "no" to a child without a reason". I always thought she meant that sometimes we say "no" just out of convenience or without even hearing the child out. Thus, before we say "no" we should know, ourselves, why we are saying "no". If there is a valid reason then of course we say "no" and we don't necessarily even have to explain our reason to the child - they often won't understand or agree with the reason anyway and it will just invite argument. But if we find that we are saying "no" just because it wasn't our idea, or because we just don't want to be bothered, maybe that is not a good enough reason to say "no". In other words, don't let "no" be your automatic answer. Think before you say "no". Don't say "no" without a reason.
Then, when I was reading the book Glimpses into the Life and heart of Marjaorie Pay Hinckley I found a very similar thought. Here is what she said:
"My mother taught me some basic philosophies of rearing children. One is that you have to trust children. I tried hard never to say "no" if I could possibly say "yes." I think that worked well because it gave my children the feeling that I trusted them and they were responsible to do the best they could." (from Glimpses into the Life and Heart of Marjorie Pay Hinckley, page 55)
Her advice is very similar to my mother's. Either way, I think it is a good child rearing philosophy.
I did try to keep this in mind when raising my children.

October 28, 2010 - A BRIEF LOOK AT CRITICISM

Clear back in April I mentioned I would say more about words and the importance of how we use them. I wanted to cover criticism next. Don’t criticize or say hurtful things. Yes you need to discipline, but that can be done without attacking the child. To a child (or anyone for that matter) criticism feels like an attack. It makes us feel belittled and it undermines self worth. It is never a tool of discipline; it is only tool of destruction. However, pointing out something that needs to be changed can be done without criticizing. If a young child picks their nose, they need to be told that it is unpleasant for other people to watch. But you don’t do it by telling them that they look stupid and ugly when they pick their nose. You tell them that it would look nicer if they didn’t. You tell them that the other kids might tease them if they do that, or that other people might not like it. You make them feel that they can help themselves and others by not picking their nose, but not that something is wrong with them because they have been.
Likewise, you don’t allow your kids to criticize or fling hurtful words at each other. It is very natural for children to criticize and demean each other. It is the best way to feel better about themselves and it is absolutely expected from children, but that does not mean it is okay. Words can hurt and damage no matter who says them. Kids will not grow out of this behavior. They must be taught how to behave otherwise. It is part of growing up, but it must be taught. Be swift and sure in putting a stop to any criticism between siblings. Nothing can destroy the peace in your home quicker than children throwing hurtful criticism at each other constantly. I think it is worse than fighting and most often it leads to fighting because the child being "attached" will feel they need to "fight back".
Of course it is very difficult - even impossible to keep children from criticizing, but that doesn't mean you don't keep trying. Children will never learn what you don't try to teach them. The first thing is to establish that some words are not used in your home – words like stupid and ugly. And then stick with that. Don’t let it slip even one time. If you let it go once, you have lost the battle. And of course you cannot use the word yourself. Also, attempting to control sibling rivalry can help because it is often jealousy that preludes criticism. However, criticism will still occur. When it does, you must stop it immediately. It is not allowed in your home! Make it clear and don’t accept excuses because there is no excuse for criticism. Yes, the child will believe it is deserved but that doesn’t matter. Differences can be handled without criticism and this is what the child must learn. Help them see how to handle differences without criticism. Give them other options.

August 21, 2010 - INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE

This is obviously not a parenting point, but it is an extremely important part of any marriage, and since my youngest is now getting married, I feel it is appropriate to pass on these thoughts. I shared some of this advice with some of my children when they married, but I'm sure I missed some of it with some of you. Whole books have been written on the subject of Intimacy in marriage - I do not have time or wisdom to write a book, but I do have several pieces of advice.
First two points for the ladies: 1. Never - N E V E R - use sexual favors or intimacy as a reward or a punishment. This is, or should be, a totally separate part of your marriage. 2. You have all heard the theory about "love languages"? Well, it is not unusual for sex to be a mans "language of love". In other words, sexual intimacy is the measure by which they feel loved and accepted by you, their wife, and by which they will determine whether they have a healthy marriage.
And now two points for the gentlemen: 1. Very seldom (never?) is sexual intimacy a woman's "language of love". In fact, if the only love you show is during sex, they will feel used not loved. A woman needs to be hugged, kissed, carressed, etc. totally separate from sexual intimacy to feel loved. Don't let your wife believe you love her only for the sex. 2. Your wife can reject sexual advancements without rejecting you. Sex is much more inconvenient for a woman than a man and, really truly, there are valid emotional and physical reasons why a woman doesn't desire sex at a given moment. Please don't make her resort to the "headache" excuse. Let her be honest with you by knowing you will not feel rejected for what may seem to you a silly "excuse".
And for both of you: 1. Like everything else, you need to communicate about intimacy. 2. Because there is so much difference in how men and women view and feel about sex, there must be a lot of give and take from both of you concerning sexual intimacy during all phases of marriage.

April 18, 2010 - BEWARE OF WORDS

In spending time with my Mother, I have become aware of some very important things she taught me about language. What is interesting is that she, even in her state of dementia, is still teaching it. My mother has always been very careful with words. Yesterday we were at my folks house with Kyle and his family. My mother really couldn't see or understand what was going on, but she was still very positive in all her comments and very gentle in how she spoke with the children. Yes, I remember times when my mother got upset with us kids and had to discipline us, but I don't remember her ever using coarse or hurtful language.
God gave us the ability to talk and communicate. How we use that gift is vital to everything we are to gain in mortality. Words can uplift and teach, but words can destroy even faster. Even the withholding of words can lift or destroy. Our use of words can invite the Spirit or drive it away. The words we use will definitely influence how others view us and treat us and the kinds of friends we attract. Beware of words. Words shape us.
Teaching children to use words correctly begins with example. Use only the words you want them to use. They will mimic you. And be very open about pointing out words they are not to use. Be united and very firm about this. As a child, we didn’t use the word 'belly'. My mother thought it was an ugly word and ugly words were just not used in our house. I don’t remember ever actually being told that, but we knew it. And we knew what other words were considered ugly words - words like 'stupid' and 'ugly'. Today words like 'suck' and 'fart' would definitely fall into this category. What is interesting is that my Dad had been raised on a farm and I know from his family what words they used. They used some of those ugly words, and yet I never heard my dad use them. This was important to Mama and so Daddy stopped using them. He totally supported her and we learned from their example how to speak gently, without ugly or crude words. So, example is number one.
Words are so very important. Speaking gently is almost a lost art in todays world. Everywhere we hear crude strident angry mocking or sarcastic language. There is no place for that kind of language in an LDS home. It is never positive and contrary to the notions of the world, it is never harmless, humorous, or cool. Nothing should come out of your mouth without you at least considering its affect on your children and your spouse. In the next few blogs I will discuss other positive and negative aspects of lanugage starting with criticism and anger.

February 16, 2010 - PLEASE DON'T SNEEZE

A few weeks ago, my attention was brought to a talk by Elder Neal A. Maxwell that was printed in the April 1985 Ensign. Elder Maxwell commented that the rising generation (of that time) was the first generation to be reared in a time when society's other institutions, which previously helped teach a moral standard, had become neutralized. He warned parents that the world's norms were becoming more and more at odds with the moral standard we want our children to live and that it was not just a temporary tidal wave that would pass, but instead a tempest that would only grow until He comes. At that time, he was talking to me as a parent - you kids were the youth. And his voice was one of prophecy, for I can testify that the standards of the world have not just slid. They have nose dived. The world will not help you raise your children to be good people. Don't expect help from the schools, the neighborhood, the athletic teams, the media, or the "role models" and famous figures of the world. They will not help and they could do a lot of harm if you allow them to. Your children must learn moral standards in the home from you. And then they must be in Church because the Church is the only place where those moral standards will be reinforced. Never ground your children from church activity. That is the place you want them to be. Don't allow your children to slide away from church with excuses of being too busy. Help them learn to make the time. Help them learn to set the right priorities. And that means you must set the right priorities. Elder Maxwell said, "This is not the time for busy or preoccupied parents to leave our youth unloved, unattended, or untaught. In allocation of your precious time and talent, be generous with the rising generation". I find it very interesting that it was when I was a young mother that the church first began stressing that mother's need to be home to teach and rear children. The church leadership was not trying to tie women down or merely force traditional unwanted rolls upon them. They were forseeing and preparing for the time when it would be absolutely neccessary for a parent to be in the home to teach their children because they could not trust anyone else to do so. The Church always attempts to put a policy or practice into place at least a generation before it is truly needed. Well, you are that generation when it is truly needed. Parents, you must teach your children proper standards. They will not learn honesty, virtue, responsibility, kindness or any other good virtue from the world. They must learn them at home. Elder Maxwell also said that in today's world, "if parents sneeze, their children may well get pneumonia!" In other words, in todays world, a little deviation from a parent may end up being a disaster for the child. So, please don't sneeze. Stay firm in your committment to teach truth in your homes. Don't waver - not even a little bit - not even a sneeze worth. And one last thought from Elder Maxwell. Just as the rising generation is here, now by divine design - so are you who have been placed just ahead of them. You are parents now because the Lord trusts you and knows you can teach these young ones in a very hostile environment and succeed. You can and I pray you will.

February 1, 2010 - TRUST

I witnessed something last week and in thinking about it, I decided I needed to put it down as a parenting point. There was a dad with a small child - probably about 3, maybe 4, years old. I really have no idea what was happening, all I heard was the dad say, "If you do that your nose will fall off". The look of horror on the child's face would have been comical if it wasn't so obvious that it scared the poor kid to death. I'm sure you have all heard the phrase "like taking candy from a baby" to indicate something is very easy to do. Well, it is very easy to get a young child to believe something. Children are naturally trusting. They believe easily and quickly. And because of that, it is very easy for adults and older siblings to abuse that trust. You can make a young child believe any lie you want, or any truth. Look what Satan did to Eve? The Lord has indicated that there is a special place in Hell reserved for those who abuse the trust of little children. In parenting, you must be very careful to never abuse your child's trust, specially about things that are important to children - things such as security and love. Though children trust easily, they also learn quickly who they cannot trust. You don't want that to be you. It is harder than you think. I saw a mom drop her child off at nursery yesterday telling her that she would be "right back". The child was still standing by the door waiting for her mom to come "right back" when I left. Next time when her mom says she'll be back soon will the child believe her? If you can demonstrate to your child when he/she is young that you are trustworthy - that what you say is real - that you won't and don't dismiss his/her concerns easily and thoughtlessly - that your actions will follow your words, than when that child is older they will still know they can trust you. When he/she is 13 and questioning themselves they will know that you truly believe they are children of God. When he/she is 15 and defying authority, they will know they can trust that you really believe what you say is best for them. When they are 17 and questioning everything, they will still know they can trust you and your testimony. You don't lie to them. You can be trusted, always. And then, when you explain to a teenager that they must demonstrate actions that earn your trust, they will know what you mean. So, be very careful not to betray a child's trust now. Don't say you will do something you have no intention of doing, thinking that at their age they will forget about it. Maybe they will, but maybe they won't. Is it a chance you want to take? Be honest with children, but don't think that means you have to tell children everything. Use some wisdom too. And remember, even children understand an honest apology when it is appropriate.