December 13, 2009 - CONSISTENCY

In church today I sat behind a young couple with several young children and observed some good parenting. The children were all under the age of 5. As the Sacrament song ended, one of the children was coloring, one was playing with the hymn book and the youngest, probably about 18 months, was playing with a toy. The father gently removed the coloring book and hymn book and put them away as he reminded the kids it was time for the Sacrament. The mother took the toy from the youngest and folded his hands. Of course his hands stayed folded about two seconds but it was a start. There was no playing, reading, coloring, etc. during the Sacrament. Afterwords, the kids went back to their activities or to other ones. No, it wasn't the perfect little family. During the meeting they delt with a tantrum, sibling squabbles and the little one falling off the bench. Pretty typical meeting for a young family. But again, at the end of the meeting when it was time for prayer, the kids were reminded to set the toys aside during the prayer and expected to do so. It may be unrealistic to expect children that age to sit still and do nothing an entire meeting, but they can be expected to sit still for one prayer or to stop playing for the length of the Sacrament. The good parenting here was the consistency. Every prayer the kids were to fold their arms. During the Sacrament there was no playing. If those parents do that every single week, week after week, those kids will learn what bahavior is expected of them during prayers and during the Sacrament. Now they can learn the behavior and slowly they will be able to learn the reason for the behavior. Consistency is a very powerful teacher for young children. What you do or have the children do over and over, never fail, always about the same, the kids will learn. But you must start young before bad behaviors are already in place - behaviors that are there becauase they were consistantly allowed. Be as consistent as you can be in things of eternal importance; things such as family and personal prayer, scripture study, church attendance, and FHE. Be consistent in having your children fold their arms during prayer, kneel, say blessings at mealtimes, etc. You can teach other good things through consistency too, such as brushing teeth, practicing the piano, putting their dishes in the sink, making their beds, etc. Consistency in little things teaches good habits or bad habits. At a young age the parents get to decide which they are teaching. I am very aware that I did not use this parenting technique to good advantage. I allowed my young children the "freedom" of a late bedtime partly out of laziness and partly out of stupidity. By the time I thought they were old enough that it mattered, they had bad habits which I could not easily combat. I could have made my life a lot simpler by starting some good habits early by being consistent.

November 29, 2009 - GRATITUDE

"Gratitude is such a powerful principle that we can almost make it to the Celestial Kingdom on it alone." -Joseph Smith-. Scripture states: - "And inasmuch as ye do these things with Thanksgiving ...with a glad heart and a cheerful countenance ... the fulness of the earth is yours.... And in nothing doth man offend God, or against none is his wrath kindled, save those who confess not his hand in all things...." (D&C 59) It is very important to teach gratitude to your children and it does have to be taught because gratitude does not come naturally to normal self-centered children. Teach it through example, through instruction, and through family prayer. Require and expect it from your kids even at a young age. Gratitude will benefit your homes and children's lives in some very important ways. If you show and express gratitude for your children daily you will find it leads to their greater personal security and confidence which you want your children to have. Also, a grateful child is a happier child and is able to learn to be other-centered more easily. But most importantly, gratitude is the natural antidote to Pride. Every human being has a tendency to pride and because it leads to so much misery, it is something we are always trying to combat. It is difficult to become prideful about something if you really believe that it is yours only because the Lord wills it thus and not because you are smarter or more able. It is even hard to get prideful about being smarter if you know that your brain was the Lord's doing and not your own. A child who has been really taught that everything he has comes from the Lord; his talents, his brain, his home, his circumtances, etc; and to constantly thank the Lord for those things, is reminded often that he really is beholding to the Lord in all things. That child will be less likely to brag or show off or get a big head over such things. True, like all parenting, this takes time, but if you teach gratitude now you will diffinitely see the results later. (And it won't hurt you at all in the meantime. Gratitude is as important for you as for your kids, and for the same reasons.)

November 13, 2009 - EXAMPLE

Your relationship with your spouse will set the tone for your relationship with your children. If you fight and quarrel with your spouse, your children will automatically have permission to fight and quarrel with you. If you engage in name calling or sulking, so will your kids. If you say sarcastic things to or about your spouse you can expect your children, specially when they are teenagers, to say sarcastic things to or about their parents. If however, you show respect for each other, your children will learn that they likewise should show respect for you, their parents. If they hear only kind things said they will learn that only kind things should be said. That doesn't mean that they won't push the boundaries and try to quarrel or sulk but it does mean they will have learned respect and kindness. It will take your direction and reminders to help them overcome the natural inclinations to self centered fighting and sulking and replace them with the proper behavior you have modeled for them. Also, if you slip up, you can apologize and show how to make it right. However, when you apologize do not let them believe that an apology from you justifies their bad behavior. They also need to learn to aploligize and try to make it right when they slip up. Remember, it is nigh impossible to teach what you are not living yourself or expect behavior from your children that you are not willing to strive for yourself.

November 4, 2009 - GIFT OF DISCERNMENT

So yesterday Tammie and I were talking about parenting and how difficult it can be and the topic of discernment came up. I truly believe that it is not possible to raise children without the gift of discernment. I cannot count how many times I have been aware of saying and doing things beyond my own understanding and ability for the benefit of my family members. In D&C 46 verse 8 reads "Wherefore, beware lest ye are deceived; and that ye may not be deceived seek ye earnestly the best gifts..." It is so easy to be deceived by the philosophies of man and by the limited viewpoint of mortality in our parenting. And so I encourage all of you to earnestly seek the Gift of Discernment that "ye may not be deceived". This same sections tells us what we must do to receive gifts of the spirit. Verse 7 says to 1. ask, 2. apply the gift in holiness of heart, 3. walk uprightly, 4. remember the end of your slavation (or in other words, keep an eternal perspective), and 5. be grateful for the gift. So, the first step is to ask. Ask in every prayer for this gift. And remember why you are asking for it - remember that it is for your family. Keep them in mind and eternity in mind. It is hard, but try. And last, I love verse 9 because it gives us hope. "They (the gifts) are given for the benefit of those who love me and keep all my commandmets, and him that seeketh so to do." In other words, you don't have to be a perfect parent to receive the gifts you need in parenting; you just have to be seeking to be a perfect parent. And since the Lord wants us to be good parents, you can receive this gift.

October 6, 2009 - CELEBRATE TOGETHER

This bit of advice may sound like it is borrowed from Chinese culture, but it is still sound. Every success, every accomplishment, for one person in a family brings honor to all of the family and should be celebrated by all of the family. Tammie was right on when she stated that "WE", meaning her and Rob, had graduated from law school. Once you are married, you are a family UNIT and unity is your goal - and this also includes children. When a child succeeds at something, it is a victory for the whole family - it brings honor to the whole family. Other children should not be made to feel that they are required to accomplish the same thing, but they do need to be made to feel that they share in the celebration and accomplishment with the sibling or parent. It is a delicate ballancing trick to celebrate a child's success without making siblings jealous, but it may help if the children know you are celebating the family and what one member has done to bring honor to everyone. It's all about the family and that member needs to be honored for bringing honor to the family. So, celebrate together, as a family! It's a wonderful way to build family unity.

August 20, 2009 -AVOID SELF INCRIMINATION

Well, here is a situation I have observed over the years and caught myself doing at times including just a few weeks ago with a grand child. Then I watched as Todd did the exact same thing. That was when I decided to write about it. It kind of ties in with teaching children honesty. First, children are honest by nature. They learn to be dishonest and they learn it by realizing they can gain something from being dishonest. Our job is too not put them into situations where they will obviously gain something from being dishonest. In other words, don't temp them. The situation is when a child does something wrong and we ask "What did you do?" We ask the child to testify against himself. When he is young he will be honest but how long will he be honest as he realizes that he gets in trouble when he is? We should not ask a child to tattle on himself because, if we do, he will eventually start lying to protect himself and lying becomes a bad habit very quickly. If the child did something wrong, then we should just mete out the discipline while explaining why. In most cases they already know it was wrong but, we should never ask a child to tattle on themselves first. If you really don't know what happened, you should never assume the child did something wrong. Never take sides against your own child. If you did not see what happened, all you can do is alleviate the problem without laying blame at all. In other words, comfort the crying child or take away the problem toy from both parties, etc. without blaming either child. If you persist in asking what happened, you can expect that eventually the child or children will learn to blame the other or lie to protect themselves and if you try to lay blame without actually knowing the situation, 90% of the time you will be wrong or partly wrong, and kids learn very quickly to manipulate situations like that. So, as much as possible, don't take sides, don't lay blame, and don't ask a child to incriminate himself (and if you do, don't punish the child for being honest) August 20, 2009

July 30, 2009 - SPOUSE COMES FIRST

The Lord has given us very specific instruction concerning our relationship with our spouse. To the men: "Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else" and to the women: "Thy desire shall be to thy husband". Your relationship with your spouse is of utmost importance; more importance than with your kids. You will be man and wife forever – you will be god and goddess together. Your children, while they will be sealed to you forever, will grow up, marry and have families of their own. They will be sealed to their spouse forever. They will not remain as your child in eternity. You make sure your child knows that your spouse (his mother or father) is of first concern to you. It does not hurt a child to find out early that they are not the center of the universe. On the contrary, the sooner they understand this the sooner they can go on to learning how to empathize and serve others. And the best and least threatening way to find this out is to learn that your parents love each other first and foremost and that together they will care for you and love you, but that you aren’t taking their place so don’t expect it. Too much today children are catered to at the expense of the marriage. Children are naturally self-centered enough. They don’t need to be kept as the center of all household activity and catered to constantly – even small children. Children can survive for periods of time without their parents’ constant vigilance. Let them know this early. Yes, they must know that they are important to you, but they also need to know that you love their mother/father first and sometimes that means their wants will not be placed first. It is not just good for them and for your marriage, it is their first step to independence. July 30, 2009

June 19, 2009 - PARENTS EQUAL IN AUTHORITY

In our world, and sometimes with our children, authority can become an issue. Don't let it be. Toward the end of paragraph 8 of The Family Proclamation it says: "In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners." Never undermine your spouse’s authority. Do not double guess their actions in front of the children, or take the side of a child over that of your spouse, EVEN if you think it is called for. Take your spouse aside and talk it out privately, not in front of the kids. Work it out and then present a united front to the children. In your families as far as your children are concerned, you both are absolutely equal in authority. Make sure the kids know that and make sure you believe it. However, most of the discipline will be done by the parent who is around the child the most. This is usually the mother. Because of that, fathers must be very careful not to undo in a moment what a mother has been trying all day to establish. If the mother has set certain boundaries during the day, those same boundaries should remain when Dad gets home. And Mothers must be very careful not to use the father as a threat in disciplining. Never say, “wait until your father gets home”. By so doing, father is set up as something to fear. Discipline is put off and to a young child, tomorrow never comes, so it is like getting away with it. By the time father gets home the incident is past and forgotten, at least in a young child’s mind, and they will not associate any discipline at that time with the action hours earlier. It may seem easier to let your spouse deal with an infraction, however, in the best interest of the child, whichever parent is present needs to deal with it. Also, remember to mention the incident and how you handled it to your spouse so that they can react in a similar way if they are the parent present next time. This makes discipline more consistent. June 19, 2009

May 11, 2009 - NOT PERFECT BUT IMPROVING

Right in the middle of a powerful sermon on repentence and the atonement, there is a sentence which gives me great hope. In the middle of Alma 34:33 it reads: "...behold, if we do not improve our time while in this life, then cometh...." It is the word improve that I like so much. In this life we can not expect to even get close to perfection, but we can improve. We can improve in our patience, we can improve in our charity, we can improve in our faith and deligence, we can improve in our relationships with spouse and children, we can improve in our parenting skills. WE CAN IMPROVE. There is so much hope in knowing that we don't have to BE perfect, we just have to keep improving - keep moving in the right direction. Mother's Day sometimes tends to be a guilt ridden day. Please don't let it be. Just keep trying to improve in your parenting, just keep trying to do your best and when you slip up know that it is okay. Fix it the best you can and move on. If you are trying to improve and asking for the Lord's help, He can set things right or show us how to. The problems come when we stop trying to improve; when we accept a lower standard from ourselves and think we can't change. There is great hope in knowing we don't have to be perfect, but that does not mean we can stop trying to improve. Happy Mother's Day to all you wonderful ladies!
May 11, 2009

April 16, 2009 - LOVE EACH OTHER & SHOW IT

In Jacob chapter 3, Jacob is admonishing the Nephites and calling them to repentence. He points out the importance God puts on family relationships by comparing the Lamanites to the Nephites in this regard. Verse 7: "Behold, their husbands love their wives, and their wives love their husbands..." I believe that the greatest thing you can give your children is the knowledge that their parents love each other. Make it obvious to them. Show it in how you act toward each other and what you say to each other. Never, NEVER, talk negatively about your spouse in the presence of your children. Never show disrespect toward, or talk down to your spouse, in the presence of your children. If you do, it is like giving them permission to do likewise.
Husbands, absolutely demand that your children show respect for their mother. (This means you, yourself, must respect her). The only time I remember my father spanking me was when I said a very disrespectful comment to my mother. I didn't even know he was behind me, but the second I said it, he whipped me around and took care of it on the spot. I learned that was not allowed, period.
Wives, absolutely demand that your children honor their father. (This means you must honor him yourself). Point out his good points all the time to them. Let them see and understand what a good man he is. If they complain about their dad, listen to the complaint, but don't allow the complaint to dissolve into disrespectful attacks or name calling. He is their father and they must honor him whether they agree with him or not.
You will be angry with your spouse sometimes. That is normal and I think it is okay, and maybe even good in some ways, for kids to know that you can be angry with each other and still love each other. Just be careful your anger doesn't show in unkind words or disrespect. If you work out a disagreement in private, they will learn that that is the way to work out disagreements. I think it is healtheir than having your children believe that disagreements never occur at all or that disagreements are supposed to be ignored.
April 16, 2009

March 6, 2009 - TRAIN UP A CHILD

Several weeks ago we had Stake Conference and several of the speakers used the same scripture in their talks: "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it". This got me thinking. We can say this in a different way. "As a child is raised, so shall he be". And in many many instances this is the case. We can see it in the world. This is why it is so hard to break cycles in family generations. A child who learns (usually from example) to hate, to bully, to tease, to envy, to abuse will find it hard to not continue that behavior. On the other hand, the child who learns (usually from example) to love, to be grateful, to respect, to be polite, to act with honor, will also find it hard not to continue that behavior. Which kind of behavior do we want our children to find it hard not to continue? Have we ever really considered the idea that to keep our children from a certain bad trait we must root the bad trait out of ourselves? Many years ago, in a parenting class, it was pointed out that sometimes children who lacked confidence were simply modeling their parents behavior. From that moment I began a great effort to stop belittling myself in front of my children. I didn't want them to pick up that bad trait. It is very hard to change certain traits within ourselves but wouldn't we really rather change them in ourselves thus making it more probable that our children never have to change them because they will not have absorbed the bad trait to begin with? For some reason, changing because we love someone as much as we love our children is easier than simply changing because we should. Though we have all heard the phrase "do as I say, not as I do" (and I have used it myself), it just doesn't work. Children will "do as we do", so if we want our children to be trained up in the way they should go, we must be going that same way.
March 6, 2009

February 19, 2009 - A SURE FOUNDATION

This observation is not about parenting per se, but ultimately it is because what we believe is what our children usually come to believe. This is inspired by a comment Shanalee made to me about some of Josh's co-workers who no longer believe in the Gospel and at times actively argue against it. There is a simple Primary song about the wise man building his house upon the rock and the house stands solid, while the foolish man builds his house on the sand and the winds and waves wash it away. Well, our house of Faith must be built on a sure foundation, and that foundation is the Word of God. In the long run, no other foundation will hold. The world today, and through most of its history, would claim we should base our beliefs and put our faith in science and man's logic. And yet a cursory look at the history of science would tell us that science changes - what was once taught as "truth" is now scorned and something else is taught as truth. I suspect that much of todays science is based in truth, but how, with my mortal logic, can I know what is and what is not . What, a hundred years from now, is going to be scorned and what is going to hold out as truth? Putting your faith in science and worldly logic is like building your house on the sand. The science shifts a little and your house comes tumbling down around you. On the other hand, you put your faith in God's word and that is a SURE foundation. It will not and does not change. It will not shift with time and the whims of the world. "And now ... remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds... when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to... endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall."(Helaman 5:12) And so, if our belief, our "house" of faith, is built upon the solid "rock" foundation of the Word of God, we can sing, "And the house on the rock stood still!" I pray it is so.
February 19. 2009

February 12, 2009 - RULES, AGENCY, & CONSEQUENCES

In the Garden of Eden, the Lord models some parenting skills for us. Moses 3:17: "But of the tree... thou shalt not eat.., nevertheless, thou mayest chose for thyself,... but, remember that I forbid it, for in the day thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die." The Lord sets the rule and affirms the agency to chose. Then, the Lord makes clear His expectations and sets out the penalty if it is not obeyed. In parenting, all 4 things must exist: the rule, the parents expectations, agency, and penalty or consequence. We must remember that Adam and Eve were as little children at that time. They did not understand the reason for the rule or the extent or meaning of the penalty. The Lord made sure that they understood the rule however, and His expectations. They were not to eat - He forbade it. It didn't matter if they understood everything clearly, it mattered that they understood the rule and what they needed to do to be obedient, and that there was a penalty for choosing disobedience. Then, in Alma 12:32 Alma teaches, "Therefore God gave unto them commmandments, after having made known unto them the plan of redemption, that they should not do evil, the penalty thereof being a second death..." So agian, we know the rule and the Lord's expectations, and we know there is a penalty. In this case, however, the Lord explained more about the reasons for the commandment by making known the plan of redemption. As your children get old enough to understand the reasons for rules, it is good to share those reasons. However, you don't negotiate the rules just because you explain them. The Lord did not change the rules just because His children were old enough to understand and complain about them.
It would seem that making the rule and our expectations clear is the most important part of training children. Yes, there must be a penalty and the child must be aware of the penalty, but sometimes we focus on the penalty instead of on the choice. We remind the child of the penalty by way of warning, but if through disobedience the penalty is enacted we don't need to rub it in or harp on it. The penalty should just naturally follow the wrong choice. If every time the child makes that wrong choice, that penalty follows, the child will figure it out. If, however, the child continues to choose to disobey that particular rule, than something needs to change. You can't keep doing the same thing and expect to get different results. Look at the rule first. Does it need to be revamped? Has the child outgrown it? Perhaps the choices you are giving the child need to change or a new penalty set. Remember, however, the goal is to help the child learn obedience. The goal is not to punish the child. The Lord leaves room for repentence and so must we as parents.
February 12, 2009

February 4, 2009 - DECLARE THE WORD OF GOD

In Alma 6:8 we are taught 3 ways to declare the Word of God. While this is specifically talking about declaring it unto the Church, it is the same when you teach the Gospel in your families. 1. Using the scriptures: "according to the revelation of the truth of the word which had been spoken by his fathers". Is it any wonder that the Church leaders admonish us constantly to be reading the scriptures in our families and with our children? 2. By personal revelation: "according to the spirit of prophecy which was in him". You are entitled to personal revelation concerning your families and how to teach them. Live so that you can recieve that guidance. Let your hearts be drawn out in prayer continually concerning your children and spouse. I feel there is absolutely no way to raise children safely today without the gift of discernment and the daily guidance of the Spirit. 3. By the baring of testimony: "according to the testimony of Jesus Christ..." A young child's life revolves around family. They internalize everything their parents do and say. Make absolutely sure they hear your testimony a LOT - and I'm not just talking about the formal testimony expressed in Sacrament Meeting. Children are attuned to Spiritual things. They will understand far more than you think. And as they get older make opportunites to express your faith and belief. Never let FHE go by without baring testimony of or expressing your belief or understanding of something concerning the Gospel.
"And thus it is written. Amen."
February 4, 2009

January 21, 2009 - CONTENTION IN THE HOME

We have been admonished to have no contention in our homes - easier said than done. In Alma 4:9 we can gain some insight. We are told that there was great contention, and that contention was caused by: 1.envyings, 2.strife, 3.malice, 4.persecutions and 5.pride. How can we keep these causes of contention out of our homes? 1. don't compare your children. Kids do this enough without the parent adding to it. Love each child for who they are and let them know it. Don't give them a reason to be envious of each other over your acceptance. 2.don't allow kids to fight. Just don't allow it! Have methods already planned to intervene. Separate them, make them talk it out, put them together in a room until they work it out. 3.Malice usually shows up in homes when one child enjoys making another child cry or likes to get the other child into to trouble. This is very universal to children. They like the feeling of power they get from controlling the other person. Again, when it happens put a stop to it immediately. It is not allowed behavior. 4.I have seen parents stop a child from hitting another child, but then allow that child to inflict worse emotional damage by teasing or needling. When one child is allowed to tease, needle, bother, take toys, or treat another child badly, that is persecution. 5.When a child is led to believe they are best or better they start treating others poorly. A good way to combat this is to always expect all family members to support all other family members in their activities equally. Don't allow your kids to think their activity or talent is the most desirable or best.
It is much easier to work on rooting out the causes of contention then to think you can just get rid of contention. And remember; these things all apply to parent parent relationships, parent child relationship and child child relationships.
January 21, 2009

January 5, 2009 - PLANTING THE SEED

I was reading in Alma 32 where Alma compares the word of God unto a seed. He says we must plant the seed and then nourish it. I feel very strongly that my parents planted the seed for me many years ago before I was even aware of it. So I started to wonder how it was nourished all those year. I did not purposely nourish it - I was too young. I realize the seed was nourished by activity in the church. Everytime my parents took me to Sacrament Meeting it was being nourished. Every Primary class, though I can't remember any of them specifically, it was being nourished. Every MIA or Seminary class, every sunday School class, every girl's camp, every fireside - it was being nourished - and I didn't even know it! Parents, you can do that for your kids. You can plant the seed for them and then you can make sure it is nourished by taking them to church. Just make it a part of their lives and make sure they know how important it is to you. It will be nourished and hopefully someday they will recognize that. Remember this when you are in Sacrament meeting with a fussy child and feel you are getting nothing out of it. Maybe you aren't that day, but you are setting a pattern of most importance in your child's life. You are nourishing a seed.
January 5, 2009