February 12, 2009 - RULES, AGENCY, & CONSEQUENCES

In the Garden of Eden, the Lord models some parenting skills for us. Moses 3:17: "But of the tree... thou shalt not eat.., nevertheless, thou mayest chose for thyself,... but, remember that I forbid it, for in the day thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die." The Lord sets the rule and affirms the agency to chose. Then, the Lord makes clear His expectations and sets out the penalty if it is not obeyed. In parenting, all 4 things must exist: the rule, the parents expectations, agency, and penalty or consequence. We must remember that Adam and Eve were as little children at that time. They did not understand the reason for the rule or the extent or meaning of the penalty. The Lord made sure that they understood the rule however, and His expectations. They were not to eat - He forbade it. It didn't matter if they understood everything clearly, it mattered that they understood the rule and what they needed to do to be obedient, and that there was a penalty for choosing disobedience. Then, in Alma 12:32 Alma teaches, "Therefore God gave unto them commmandments, after having made known unto them the plan of redemption, that they should not do evil, the penalty thereof being a second death..." So agian, we know the rule and the Lord's expectations, and we know there is a penalty. In this case, however, the Lord explained more about the reasons for the commandment by making known the plan of redemption. As your children get old enough to understand the reasons for rules, it is good to share those reasons. However, you don't negotiate the rules just because you explain them. The Lord did not change the rules just because His children were old enough to understand and complain about them.
It would seem that making the rule and our expectations clear is the most important part of training children. Yes, there must be a penalty and the child must be aware of the penalty, but sometimes we focus on the penalty instead of on the choice. We remind the child of the penalty by way of warning, but if through disobedience the penalty is enacted we don't need to rub it in or harp on it. The penalty should just naturally follow the wrong choice. If every time the child makes that wrong choice, that penalty follows, the child will figure it out. If, however, the child continues to choose to disobey that particular rule, than something needs to change. You can't keep doing the same thing and expect to get different results. Look at the rule first. Does it need to be revamped? Has the child outgrown it? Perhaps the choices you are giving the child need to change or a new penalty set. Remember, however, the goal is to help the child learn obedience. The goal is not to punish the child. The Lord leaves room for repentence and so must we as parents.
February 12, 2009